Damn Right Dogs Bite.

I don't really watch TV. The fact of the matter is I have to feel productive most of the time. Through my habits I have made myself this way. But when I do sparatically watch TV, I certainly don't expect to learn life lessons. However, I was watching the show called House, and there was a scene where the main doctor was talking to an attractive nurse. Dr. House in his usual nature makes a comment about how the nurse used her good looks to get through nursing school. She got offended stating how hard she worked for her grades. House fires back: "Well you may have worked hard, but you certainly didn't have to." That one little line reiterates a life lesson of mine.

Every animal has a purpose in life. Cows eat grass to grow and make milk. Bats eat mosquitos. Birds chirp. Snakes suck, but even they are here to eat mice and scare people. That's why dogs are the best. A dog's only purpose is to be loyal to its owner (Man's best friend concept). The point being is that all these animals do what comes natural to them and they do what they are best at. Such a simple concept, but I can't figure out why we humans don't run with this idea.

I think we can all agree that every single person has different strengths. I like to refer to them as assets. Some people's best asset is communicating. Others best asset is simply being easy on the eyes. And each one of us is uniquely blessed with a skill that makes us fantastic. Now the reason that average Joe's fall short of being the tall hog at the trough is that they continue to focus on one of their sub-par assets. For example, have you ever seen an extremely good looking person sitting at a desk doing a job where they hardly ever get seen by the human eye? Wasted asset. Or someone who has fantastic people skills that sits at a computer and doesn't speak to a single person all day. No bueno. The challenge we have is becoming aware of our MVA (most valuable asset).

In the sum of things, do what you love and love what you do. Because it's most likely what comes natural to you and what your'e best at. Just like the loyal canine. If you're good at public speaking, do things that give you opportunities to be in front of a group. If you are a leader by nature, start a revolution. If you're a great debater, don't talk to me. ha.

In the opinion section of the newspaper,a lady wrote a column about how she didn't like how everyone is blogging now and how they are writing about completely stupid topics. O the irony of that. Really? Wonder what she's thinking while she's typing out her article.

New in my life: I recently have gone from shaving my face once a week to twice a week. I think puberty is going to kick in soon. And I went camping.

All the cool kids are leaving comments below.....

Keep smilin'

JM

I'll Take a Raincheck on That Pair of Pants

Irony is a beautiful thing. I live and look for it everyday. I think the Big Man upstairs put irony on this spinning ecosystem to teach us lessons in an innocently humorous way. Now irony is funny as long as we stay positive about things. The concept I find the most ironic lately is the pressure for people my age to get married. Now, believe me, I'm not pressured to get married. I just see some people fret about it. The reason the idea is ironic is that simultaneously the divorce rate has never been higher. Hmmmm.....

As a disclaimer to my friends whom are happily married, I want to say that I am extremely proud of the fact that you found the right equal (TB, MK...etc). I mean, if you guys can find someone to marry you, that gives me so much hope. Haha. Thats a joke. I hope you are offended. No it's just that in my current personal situation, a dog is too much commitment. That leads alot of women to quickly throw the "commitment issues" card on the table in my direction. Do it. The only reason more women don't have commitment issues is because of that little clock inside their bodies that has a monthly alarm screaming....CHILDREN!!! Just another reason I am proud to pee standing up, outside, and with my shirt off thanking God I am a man. Do I sound chauvanistic? Yep. Have I offended some women with the previous sentences? Yep. Do I drink Busch Light? Yep. Sorry, I need to just go watch Gladiator, Braveheart and 300 and get over my man pride.

Speaking of the matter, I've heard people say that persons with commitment issues also have decision making issues. That's wrong. In fact, to prove it, I have decided not to commit.

Back to the marriage idea...I think it's great that people go looking for a spouse. But I don't even know how that works. I mean, I've heard of shopping around for a wife, but I can't relate to that. Mainly because when I shop I love me a good deal and I normally look extensively through the clearance rack. So as far as dating goes then, should I steer clear of TJ Maxx? They're still good clothes, they just didn't sell well at other stores. (For those of you who know the pair of pants analogy, this fits in perfectly. I just can't explain it because that's secretive guy code) And when shopping at Express, I think it's great looking stuff, I just can't justify spending that much money. Because in reality, Target's clothes last just as long and I look just as good. (Pause) Let the analogy sink in. Bueno.

This spell of words may seem anti-marital. On the contrary, I think marriage is a wonderful thing. Thats why I will eventually think I'll do it.... once. I feel that as long as you don't make a habit of getting married, it's a great vocation. So to all my fellow tumbleweeds.... Salud! No pressure.

New in my life: I bought two boxes of girl scout cookies. Do the boyscouts still sell popcorn? Really? I bet they are getting demolished by the girl scouts in sales. Boyscouts really need to re-think their marketing plan....

Keep smilin'

JM

Should I Read Your Paper?

When a tree falls in the forest, is there a noise? When someone ignores your phone call, do you know it? Maybe... sometimes. The phone lights up, you look at who is calling, you push ignore and continue watching Jersey Shore. Everyone has done it and for a cornicopia of different reasons. Maybe he's just not that into you. The key is to not make a habit of it. Now if I am awake and near my phone, I'm usually going to answer (obviously depending on the situation.) But one of the reasons that people ignore phone calls lines up exactly with a theory of mine...

You ever get home from work, and just don't feel like talking to humans? Yup. Even if your grandmother called (Rosemary is a saint), you wouldn't answer. According to some researchers, men use an estimated 7,000 words per day while women are in the upwards of 20,000 words per day. Makes sense. It's called a word count. Everyone has one and its personalized depending on the day and circumstances. For me, my daily word count depends on how much sleep I got the night before, how hungry I am or how much debauchery was raised at happy hour. And once I reach my word count for the day, I know it and you know it. Now based on the different personalities (introvert vs. extrovert) some people naturally will have a much higher word count. More science.

Tied into this word count is an emotional tank. De novo, everyone has an emotional tank. Some people have the emotional tank like an 18 wheeler, others have one comparable to a mo-ped. Just depends on your personality and who you decide to communicate with during the day. Every single person that you talk to during the day is emotionally draining to an extent. Meaning you use just a little bit of emotion everytime you speak. Some people you talk to will be extremely emotionally draining, they are least like your personality. Other primates will be hardly draining at all, those are the person's more like you and are very easy to confabulate with.

So for all you tyrants of the telephone, don't freak out if it's been awhile since I've talked to you; I probably have just been maxing out my word count. Or I don't like you. Just kidding. I probably like 98% of the people reading this. Now you're wondering if you're that 2%. Yep. You probably are.

Nutshelling this theory, everyday is like writing a paper and you get to choose the length and format of it. A pamphlet? A novel? Doesn't matter, as long as you're happy with it. Just make your paper worth reading. I'm at my word count for this blog.

New in my life: I'm still fighting the iphone craze but I recently just upgraded to unlimited texts. I feel like a college kid at an all you can eat buffet trying to get his money's worth.

Learning southern speak:

'Preciate Ya! = Thank You
Bless Your Heart = Sucks to be you/ Ain't that a shame.

Keep smilin'

JM

February. The month of Love, and Black History.

My grandma once said never argue about religion, politics or relationships because no one usually wins. And even when someone feels victorious in the conversation, the other person's pride gets damaged. Smart lady. Well I'm not going to touch the religion or politics; I will leave those for the birds. However relationships are always noteworthy...

Men and women are naturally designed to attract towards each other. In fact, my friend, whom we will call Ravis Tarp for now, often uses that as an excuse for his late night freshmen year shanannigans during college. And despite what many chick flicks tell me (not that I watch them) I believe that humans are compatible with several people in their lifetime. That long lasting relationships are developed from having the right timing in two peoples lives. Romantic, I know.

This is funny. When people are asked "what's your type?," alot of people say "I like a girl to be smart and attractive." Really? That's weird. You mean, you don't want the dumb ugly girl? Dibs. Just kidding. I am sorry if I offended any dumb ugly girls with my past few sentences. My point being, don't say intellegent and pretty people are your type. Those desired qualites can be assumed in a mate. Now the definition of intellegent and pretty can be debated. I mean unless only the smart, attractive people get married and all the other people go to some far off desolate land. Wait nevermind, that could be right, Kansas is still part of the union isn't it? Yep. Go Mizzou!

I have friends I swear have never been single. I have friends I'm not sure have ever had a girlfriend. Now neither of those situations is better than the other, just different. When you have people get married all around you, it's easy to feel pressure to lock it up, bury the hatchet, put a ring on it, find that special someone, to wed so to speak. With my maturity level and blurred priorities, I don't feel that would be appropriate..... but that's just me. So in my usual nature, I've come up with a theory....

A friend told me the other day "I'm not good at relationships." Two things there: 1. You're not good at relationships because you keep telling yourself you're not good at them. 2. It's not that you're bad at relationships; it's that you're just better at certain types of relationships. Everyone has relationships. People just specialize at the ones they're good at. Some people are better at friend relationships, other people are best friends with their family, some people are better at finding a soul mate, other people are better at having many short term, nocturnal relationships. Whatever puts the wind in your sails. Then there are the people who have mastered the facebook relationship- you know the person that knows everything about everyone, but oddly never really talks to anyone. They're actually reading this right now. Hi.

Everything wrapped together: If somehow, you communicate with other humans, you're good at relationships. And tell yourself that, it will brighten your perspective. That's what life's all about, perspective. The cookie is gonna crumble the way it's supposed too, just do what you're good at.

New in my life: I have had the same valentine for 23 years now. Happy Valentines Day mama!

There are 137 species of birds in Tennessee.

Keep smilin'

What Friends Are For

I was standing there in my tiny Umbro basketball shorts, Nike high top sneakers, orange cotton jersey not really knowing why I was on a basketball court. I mean I was the shortest kid in the 1st grade.... that's including the girls. I think the best part though was that my hair was artistically cut into a rat tail. Yep, I said it. Somewhere around my 5th- 7th year on this earth I decided and my parents allowed me to sport the vintage rat tail. Hold on. Before this gets out of hand.... it wasn't that long of a rat tail. Just an extension of a reverse widows peak. I was starting a revolution.

Now I can't remember what childhood epiphany made me want a rat tail. It might have been too many episodes of Walker Texas Ranger or maybe it was just an omen of the years to come. But I also can't remember why eventually I got rid of it (believe me, it was short lived). My theory is that because eventually one of my friends made fun of it. So in my mind it went from being cool to something people don't do. The rat tail is just an example used for dramatic and humbling purposes. I bet though, over the years there have been a lot of habits, styles, and choices that were highly influenced by my friends. I condone this.

These days, now that I have quit ordering a toy with my McDonalds and am fully confident puberty has left its mark, (still waiting on that whole "growth spurt" thing they always talked about by the way) I certainly don't base my actions on other people's thoughts/opinions. However, I think that one of the biggest things that friends are for is to call you out on life. So if you're the kind of person that gets offended when your friends tell you that you're a messy person or that you're outfit makes you look gay or that you eat too much, you should probably get over yourself. How many times in your life have strangers pointed out to you the flaws in your life? Right. Strangers are not supposed to, the people you like the most are.

So don't get upset when your friends speak their minds about your short comings (for me it was my height. Get it? I'm short.) Simply thank them for pointing out the areas that need improvement. Because without criticism, we would all think too highly of ourselves. Tracey Lawrence has a song "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" where he talks about all the qualities that your real friends should have. Great tune. But really, I find out who my friends are based upon how honest they are with how much I suck sometimes.

So to crystalize this idea: Take crap from your friends with a smile. And I don't know exactly which one of you it was, but thank you for telling me that humans don't do rat tails. Who knows which carnival I'd be working at had you kept to yourself.

Now there are a ton of different aspects of what makes your posse, amigos, gangstas, brosephs, homies, friends so great. I just highlighted one. I hope you use the commenting forum to share these qualities with the blogging world.

New in my life: My half birthday is in 11 days. Please send all cards, cookies, travelers checks, and full body shots to my current address.

Keep smilin'

JM