I'll Take a Raincheck on That Pair of Pants

Irony is a beautiful thing. I live and look for it everyday. I think the Big Man upstairs put irony on this spinning ecosystem to teach us lessons in an innocently humorous way. Now irony is funny as long as we stay positive about things. The concept I find the most ironic lately is the pressure for people my age to get married. Now, believe me, I'm not pressured to get married. I just see some people fret about it. The reason the idea is ironic is that simultaneously the divorce rate has never been higher. Hmmmm.....

As a disclaimer to my friends whom are happily married, I want to say that I am extremely proud of the fact that you found the right equal (TB, MK...etc). I mean, if you guys can find someone to marry you, that gives me so much hope. Haha. Thats a joke. I hope you are offended. No it's just that in my current personal situation, a dog is too much commitment. That leads alot of women to quickly throw the "commitment issues" card on the table in my direction. Do it. The only reason more women don't have commitment issues is because of that little clock inside their bodies that has a monthly alarm screaming....CHILDREN!!! Just another reason I am proud to pee standing up, outside, and with my shirt off thanking God I am a man. Do I sound chauvanistic? Yep. Have I offended some women with the previous sentences? Yep. Do I drink Busch Light? Yep. Sorry, I need to just go watch Gladiator, Braveheart and 300 and get over my man pride.

Speaking of the matter, I've heard people say that persons with commitment issues also have decision making issues. That's wrong. In fact, to prove it, I have decided not to commit.

Back to the marriage idea...I think it's great that people go looking for a spouse. But I don't even know how that works. I mean, I've heard of shopping around for a wife, but I can't relate to that. Mainly because when I shop I love me a good deal and I normally look extensively through the clearance rack. So as far as dating goes then, should I steer clear of TJ Maxx? They're still good clothes, they just didn't sell well at other stores. (For those of you who know the pair of pants analogy, this fits in perfectly. I just can't explain it because that's secretive guy code) And when shopping at Express, I think it's great looking stuff, I just can't justify spending that much money. Because in reality, Target's clothes last just as long and I look just as good. (Pause) Let the analogy sink in. Bueno.

This spell of words may seem anti-marital. On the contrary, I think marriage is a wonderful thing. Thats why I will eventually think I'll do it.... once. I feel that as long as you don't make a habit of getting married, it's a great vocation. So to all my fellow tumbleweeds.... Salud! No pressure.

New in my life: I bought two boxes of girl scout cookies. Do the boyscouts still sell popcorn? Really? I bet they are getting demolished by the girl scouts in sales. Boyscouts really need to re-think their marketing plan....

Keep smilin'

JM

Should I Read Your Paper?

When a tree falls in the forest, is there a noise? When someone ignores your phone call, do you know it? Maybe... sometimes. The phone lights up, you look at who is calling, you push ignore and continue watching Jersey Shore. Everyone has done it and for a cornicopia of different reasons. Maybe he's just not that into you. The key is to not make a habit of it. Now if I am awake and near my phone, I'm usually going to answer (obviously depending on the situation.) But one of the reasons that people ignore phone calls lines up exactly with a theory of mine...

You ever get home from work, and just don't feel like talking to humans? Yup. Even if your grandmother called (Rosemary is a saint), you wouldn't answer. According to some researchers, men use an estimated 7,000 words per day while women are in the upwards of 20,000 words per day. Makes sense. It's called a word count. Everyone has one and its personalized depending on the day and circumstances. For me, my daily word count depends on how much sleep I got the night before, how hungry I am or how much debauchery was raised at happy hour. And once I reach my word count for the day, I know it and you know it. Now based on the different personalities (introvert vs. extrovert) some people naturally will have a much higher word count. More science.

Tied into this word count is an emotional tank. De novo, everyone has an emotional tank. Some people have the emotional tank like an 18 wheeler, others have one comparable to a mo-ped. Just depends on your personality and who you decide to communicate with during the day. Every single person that you talk to during the day is emotionally draining to an extent. Meaning you use just a little bit of emotion everytime you speak. Some people you talk to will be extremely emotionally draining, they are least like your personality. Other primates will be hardly draining at all, those are the person's more like you and are very easy to confabulate with.

So for all you tyrants of the telephone, don't freak out if it's been awhile since I've talked to you; I probably have just been maxing out my word count. Or I don't like you. Just kidding. I probably like 98% of the people reading this. Now you're wondering if you're that 2%. Yep. You probably are.

Nutshelling this theory, everyday is like writing a paper and you get to choose the length and format of it. A pamphlet? A novel? Doesn't matter, as long as you're happy with it. Just make your paper worth reading. I'm at my word count for this blog.

New in my life: I'm still fighting the iphone craze but I recently just upgraded to unlimited texts. I feel like a college kid at an all you can eat buffet trying to get his money's worth.

Learning southern speak:

'Preciate Ya! = Thank You
Bless Your Heart = Sucks to be you/ Ain't that a shame.

Keep smilin'

JM